Teaching children self-control is one of the most important things a parent can do for their kids. Some studies suggest that a child’s level of self-discipline at a young age can predict how successful – and happy – he will be later in life, and while some might argue against such findings, the facts remain the same: if you take the time to teach your child strategies for self-control now, you will be setting him up for long-term success at school, work, in his personal life, and beyond.
From managing impulsive behavior, resisting distractions, and learning the art of delayed gratification, to regulating emotions in the face of conflict and feelings of discomfort, self-regulatory behavior is key to success in all areas of our lives, and since children with poor self-control tend to exhibit more behavioral problems than their self-disciplined peers, teaching children self-control is more important than parents might think.
So, how exactly do we, as parents do this? How do we teach our kids the art of self-discipline and self-regulation without spending all of our free time battling meltdowns, temper tantrums, aggressive behavior, and feelings of defeat? Because, let’s face it: it’s sometimes easier to give kids what they want rather than subjecting ourselves to a day filled with power struggles and time-outs.
The good news is that learning how to teach children self-control isn’t as difficult as it sounds. Yes, it takes time, patience, and dedication on the part of the parents and caregivers, and there will be days that your child may not comply with your wishes, but the long-term benefit of working with your child to help develop his self-regulating behavior far outweighs the short-term pain.
Be clear about rules and expectations
This is especially important in young children. By explaining what the rules are, what’s expected, and what is and isn’t appropriate, and taking the time to give your child regular reminders, you are setting him up for success. The easier the rules are, and the more consistently you reinforce them, the easier it is for your kids to meet your expectations.
Follow a predictable routine
We all know that kids thrive on consistency, and getting your children used to a predictable routine will not only help with the transition to full-day school, but also help set expectations as to what is expected throughout the day. By setting clear boundaries around different activities – learning, independent play, outdoor time, quiet time, eating, etc. – you can help teach the different types of self-regulation needed in the classroom and beyond.
Remind! Remind! Remind!
The younger a child is, the more easily he can (and will) be distracted, so taking the time to give him reminders at regular intervals will go a long way in helping him learn the art of self-control.
Use positive reinforcement
Reinforcement is a fabulous technique parents and caregivers can use to increase the likelihood that a child will repeat a desirable behavior, and while both positive and negative forms of reinforcement can help with teaching children self-control, research tends to suggest that positive reinforcement is the most effective. Sticker charts are a simple, yet effective, form of positive reinforcement that can be extremely motivating for kids.
Always follow through!
As parents, we often hear about the importance of being consistent and following through with consequences. If you fail to follow through, your child won’t take you seriously, learn accountability, or figure out the difference between right and wrong. And while this makes perfect sense, what many parents forget is that the same holds true for rewards. If we neglect to make good on our promises, we take away the motivation our children need to make positive changes to their behavior, which can significantly impact our ability to teach our children self-control and self-discipline.
Model positive behavior
Another important, yet often overlooked parenting strategy is the importance of being a good role model. Our children look up to us, and oftentimes want to mimic every single thing we do, and when we take the time to actively demonstrate our own self-regulatory behavior, we are setting our kids up for success. Thinking before acting, practicing deep breathing, being kind and compassionate to others, and using appropriate language to express our feelings are all positive ways to teach your child self-regulating behaviors to help develop self-control.
Make self-discipline fun
When it comes to teaching self-control, there is no ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach. Every child has a different temperament, and what works for one may not work for another. The good news? There are HEAPS of great self-discipline activities for kids that feel more like play than work, offering a fabulous, stress-free way to help children with self-control issues.
Calm Down Jars: Here’s a list of simple instructions to teach you how to make a calm down jar from scratch!
- Gather your supplies:
- Plastic jar
- Hot water
- Food coloring
- Glitter glue
- Glitter
- Glue gun
- Whisk
- Bowl
- Mix glitter glue with hot water and a few drops of food coloring and whisk vigorously until the glue ‘melts’ and mixes properly with the water. To be honest, I didn’t follow a specific glue/water ratio when I made mine. I just sort of threw it all together and hoped for the best, but you can adjust to your preference.
- Add additional glitter, whisk vigorously one more time, and transfer mixture into your clear jar
- If your jar isn’t 100% full, top up with hot water.
- Allow water to cool to room temperature before putting the lid on.
- Secure lid with glue (I used a glue gun) to ensure it is properly sealed and won’t leak.
- Shake and enjoy!
Turn Taking Games: Kids love to play games, and getting them involved in ones that require them to wait until it’s their turn can be a great way to teach self-control.
Create a Reward System: Sticker charts are a simple, yet effective, form of positive reinforcement that can be extremely motivating for kids.
Create a Calm Down Box: Another way to teach children self-control is to ensure they have tools readily available when big emotions strike. Fidget toys, squeeze balls, and chewing gum are all great ideas that can help reduce feelings of anxiety and restore a sense of calm. Also they have the ability to create their own box and decorate it however they want.
Hide and Seek: Yes. A good ‘ole fashioned game of hide and seek in your backyard or at your local park can teach kids self-control. Staying completely silent while hiding isn’t easy, and maintaining your composure when you’re ‘IT’ and can’t find anyone can be pretty challenging as well
Don’t Laugh: Take turns trying to make the other person laugh. They aren’t allowed to touch each other and must maintain eye contact, and it is HILARIOUS to watch in action
Read: There are lots of great children’s books that are fun to read AND touch on the topic of self-control. Our favorites are No, David!, My Mouth is a Volcano, I Just Want to Do It My Way!, and I Can’t Believe You Said That!.
Playdough: Engaging in a good sensory activity with your child can help calm even the biggest emotions, while also offering an opportunity to talk with your child, get a sense for his or her feelings, and brainstorm better behaviors to use in the future.
Jenga: It requires great skill to remove and place blocks on the top of a tower, but what few people realize is that it also takes a lot of self-control for impulsive children not to knock the tower down while playing!
Questions? Call the Family Health Clinic!
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Resources:
Adapted from Merkai Lane, https://www.merakilane.com/how-to-teach-children-self-control/
